Everything and yet Nothing

Its 3:13 AM, I am a wee bit sleepy. But I have to stay up and write this so that I can forever remember this Christmas. I cannot sleep now, not tonight. Tonight is not the night to sleep. It is the night to rejoice. It is the night to mourn. Yes, it is the night to rejoice and mourn at the same time.

This Christmas, I almost felt like believing in the existence of Santa Claus. This Christmas I was offered a gift. To call it a gift would be an insult. This Christmas I was offered my life - fully alive, that is. I almost turned around, started searching the house for some red colour somewhere. There was none. I was asking myself, what did I do to deserve this? Didn't the stories say that Santa gives gifts to only those children who are good throughout the year? I haven't been good this year, not at all. Then how could he?

"Wait wait wait", I suddenly realized. Offering does not imply receiving, does it? And to my horror, I knew immediately that I could not accept the gift. Wait, we cannot call it a gift! I could not accept my life - fully alive, that is. All the happy Christmas red was replaced by black and white. Black and white of mourning. The price you pay for being "grey". I have never heard Santa punishing for not being good, he is too kind. So this cruel punishment was from a different origin, was it?

Have you ever faced something like this? Imagine something you have wanted all your life. You have dreamt of it during nights. You have dreamt of it even more during days. Something, which you will place above everything else if it were your last day on earth. And you are offered the same, to keep it safe, always with you, till your last day on earth. But you have to say no, you have to refuse, because you are not strong enough to carry its weight. You are happy, that you were good enough to be offered, but sad at the same time, that you were not good enough to have the courage to accept. No other humility lesson can beat this, trust me!

There are tears in my eyes, some are of happiness, others are of sorrow. How do I distinguish one from another? I have no way to count them, to tell which of them are more and which are less. But somehow I have a feeling that the ones of happiness are drowning in the rest.

Today I am extremely happy, my joy knows no bounds. I was offered my life - fully alive, that is.
Today I am crying terribly, my sorrow is infinite. I refused my life - fully alive, that is.

- ANAND GAUTAM
26th December 2009

चाँद और तारे

This is a poem written in response to another poem in Apr'09. So I strongly urge you read the seed poem before reading mine.

The seed poem was written by one of my dearest friends Smriti Khullar and she has been kind enough to upload the same on her blog, here is the link --> http://rythmsandthoughts.blogspot.com/2009/12/oo.html

I typically don't put up my poems on my blog, but this is an exception, thanks to Smriti :)

अमावस की एक काली रात में, तुमने जाना तारे क्या होते हैं,

और हर छलके मोती में, तुम संग जाने कितने रोते हैं.

तुमने दिल की बात कही, हमने सुनी और समझ गए,

पर अपनी बात कैसे करें बयान, हम तारे थोड़ा उलझ गए.

सो कलम तो उठाई, पर फूँक फूँक कर चलता हूँ,

क्योंकि कसम से तुम्हारे इस चाँद से बहुत जलता हूँ.

चुरायी हुई रोशनी लेकर, अँधेरे में तुम्हें रिझाता है,

आई कहाँ से इतनी रौनक, कभी नहीं बतलाता है.

कुछ दिन खूब हँसाता है, साथ निभाता है,

फिर एक दिन ये चंचल मन, छू मंतर हो जाता है.

तब आती है एक काली अकेली अँधेरी रात,

जब आसमान में केवल हम तारों का होता है साथ.

उस रात छत पर अकेली तुम गुमसुम गुमसुम सी होती हो,

और कभी कभी हमारे साथ मिल-बाँटकर थोड़ा सा रोती हो.

पर फिर आ जाता है एक नया चाँद, अपनी रोशनी बिखेर के,

और फिर खो जाती हो तुम उसकी चाँदनी में, हमसे मुँह फेर के.

तो आज तुम्हें बताते हैं की इतनी रोशनी चाँद कहाँ से लाता है,

रात के अँधेरे में, तुमसे नज़रें बचाकर, हमसे ही तो वो चुराता है.

तुम पूछती हो, सब जानकार भी चाँद की ये चोरी क्यों चलती रही?

क्योंकि हम तारों की आँखों के तारे को, रात में भी रोशनी जो मिलती रही!

तुम पूछती हो, फिर आज ये सब मैं तुम्हें क्यों बतलाता हूँ?

क्योंकि हर महीने तुम्हारी आँखें नम, मैं देख नहीं पाता हूँ!

चाहता हूँ उड़ो आसमान में, तारों को करीब से आकर देखो,

कभी तो......, कभी तो एक तारे को, अपना चाँद बनाकर देखो!

- आनंद गौतम

8th April 2009

There was yet another response to this, which was written by another dear friend Kartik. Here is the link --> http://bloggerkartik.blogspot.com/2009/12/another-poetic-response.html

Plus 100 or minus 400?

My sister and I got into a taxi from Dadar station on 28^th November around 11 PM. Apart from the taxi driver (TD1), another guy (TD2) sat on the front seat, to which we didn not pay much attention then. Here is a quick account of what followed:

TD1 : “Sir, can you please give change of 1000. I need to pay 500 bucks to some random guy here”.

Me: “I don’t trust 1000 notes, sorry.”

TD2: “We will get you change later on, don’t worry. Please give us change now”

Me: “In that case, take this 500 note and return me later.”

TD1: “No sir, give me two 500 notes, I will return you later.”

Me: “How does it matter, I trust you, you can give me my 500 back later.”

TD1: “Sir this 500 note is torn, this won’t work”

Me: “Ok, take this one.”

TD1: “You have given me 100 note, I needed 500.”

Me: “How is it possible? I gave you 500!”

TD1: “No Sir, see this, you gave me 100 instead of 500.”

Luckily for me, I had settled some transactions just about an hour back so I knew for sure that I had two 500 notes in my wallet. I thought through again and figured that there is something wrong here.

Me: “Sir, I have you 500 note. You replaced it with a 100 note.”

TD1, taken completely aback: “What are you saying Sir, you gave me 100, I showed you also!”

Me: “Its your bad luck, I know for sure that I had two 500 notes, you have swapped the notes.”

TD2: “No Sir, you gave 100 only, you are mistaken.”

Me: “No problem, lets go to a police station, we will figure it out there.”

After 4-5 minutes of fighting, turning taxi around, and me not giving up on my stand, the guys came up with a bright idea.

TD2: “Sir, please search your wallet again. The note might be there. Or it might have fallen down.”

Me: “Fine, stop the car near the street lamp, I will check.”

Promptly the car was stopped, and there it was, lying by the side of my feet, my precious 500 note. I was so embarrassed.

TD2: “What Sir, you would have sent us to jail. You have no trust. What do you think we are thieves?”

Me: “I am sorry! My mistake.”

TD1: “No, what mistake! You are careless and then you blame us.

Me: “I am really sorry. But such stories are very common, many people get cheated in Mumbai like this. Its not your fault, my mistake, sorry.”

TD2: “There are terrorists in Mumbai also, does that mean I am terrorist too?” We will not take you anywhere. Please take another taxi.”

My sister: “We are very sorry. We will go with you only. Please take us.”

TD2: “No way, halfway through you will frame us for murder!!”

I was sensing something wrong here and anyway got fed up of the guys incessant ranting, so I just got out of the taxi, banged the door and we shifted to another taxi. There were two policemen also standing right there.

Just as we left from there, I realized my stupidity. The thing was that my wallet did not have any 100 note for sure. So there was no way I could have had two 500 notes and a 100 note in my wallet (which was the case right now)!

The TD1 guy had swapped my 500 note for a 100 note. But when I threatened of police and all, they got frightened. The TD2 guy had slipped a 500 note in the dark near my feet (Mumbai yellow taxi, there is gap between the front seat and side of the car). So basically I got both by 500’s back besides the 100 note extra which the TD1 guy had swapped. Net net, I got 100 bucks instead of losing 400!

Afterthoughts:

- Explains why two people were sitting, more the people, more strong is your argument. Plus, damage control (like in my case) is easy.

- Explains the insistence on asking two 500 notes, its very difficult to pull off the same trick when asking only for one 500 note

- Explains the torn note. TD1 tore it so that he can ask for another one. They were desperate to make their 400 bucks.

- Explains why they refused to take me. They were scared, plus they might have thought that I will figure the whole thing out soon.

- I wish I been a little smarter and figured this earlier, at least I would have left on a “you bast***” note rather than “Sorry” note!

- I wish I had gone back and talked to the two policemen standing there and told them everything. Not sure how much that would have helped. At least it would have helped address the point above J

Irrational God!

Are you of the rational, logical breed? If yes, then probably you will enjoy it relatively more. How often have you met completely irrational, illogical, stupid people in your life? And how often have one of these folks been in such positions of stature/power that you keep wracking your brains, how in the world they got there? Well, here is one crazy thought – What if our so called God (with all due respect) was completely irrational?!

 

How many times have you been told that what matters is how much good you do to others, and you will reap what you sow. Hence, you should be good to others and that is what really counts.

How many of you believe that stupid rituals in every religion or insignificant and unimportant, and what matters is that you are true to yourself and true to humanity? That the ultimate worship is the worship to our fellowmen?

How often have you thought stuff like – well, I really don’t care if God exists or not. If he doesn’t, bingo! If he does, then he better be all powerful and all that, and hence the source of my thoughts, and hence he himself forced some mortals on the earth not to believe in him!

 

Well, I believe or relate to most of the stuff above and hence the idea of an irrational God does disturb me a bit. We can go on and on endlessly debating why God cannot be irrational and all that. But for the purpose of this discussion, let us assume he can be irrational, just in the way the most utterly stupid Mr. XYZ at your work place can exist.

 

What if God did not value what we, the so called rational intellectuals, value? What if he, instead, valued all the stupid rituals that religion enforces on us? What if he actually decided heaven and hell based on the number of times we took his name plus the product of the number of times we visited a temple and a sanctity score of the respective temple?!!

 

Imagine, I walk up to God after I die and he waves me off to hell.

I protest “But I have lived such an honest life.”

God says “Who told you to be honest? Frankly, I never did.”

I protest again “But I helped so many people, I did so much for others.”

God says “Why didn’t you live for yourself? When did I ask you to take the responsibility of the whole world? Why couldn’t you leave it to me and let me do my job? Why did you have to always poke your nose and interfere in what I was doing? You have been such a pain. Besides, you seldom visited any temples – by abode. Were you super busy?”

I defend “But I didn’t think it was as important as helping the needy or working for the betterment of the society”

God laughs “Yeah! So you thought!! Not even an iota of respect for me. And what about your prayer count, it is abysmally low. You are in the bottom 0.5 percentile!”

I defend “But I thought you don’t need to keep praising and remembering you. You were always with me. (Or that I was busy coming in top 0.5 percentile of a so called CAT exam!)”

God smirks “Yeah right! And the people who prayed a dozen times a day, were they all fools??! And what about that brilliant theory of yours that you don’t even care if I exist!”

I am hapless but manage to utter something like “B-b-but that was so logical. You were the supreme force and you made me that way and made me think that way”

God says “No you fool! You had the free will, your mind was free. You who did not even want to accept my existence, burn in hell!”

 

What would you do/feel in such a situation? Would you regret for a moment about having gotten the whole concept of life, universe and everything (i.e., 42) wrong? Or you would still stand your ground and take all the pains that come with a smile?! Would you be able to ignore the blatant injustice that a religious terrorist who killed hundreds of innocent people ranks higher on a certain irrational God’s irrational scale? Certainly you would not be able to blame it again on fate and move on!!

 

- ANAND GAUTAM

Equality for Supremacy?!!

The Times of India Editorial on April 13th talked about “Gender bias leaves China with 32 million extra boy babies”. One-child policy with punishment for second child and deprivation of social benefits has not helped. A male baby market has developed in China and kidnapping of male children is on rise. This bias and its severe consequences are pertinent not only for China but for the whole world for two main reasons. One, because China accounts for almost 20% of the world population and two, because other countries (like India) do not seem to be taking the lesson. I promise you the rest of the stuff will not be as boring!

I was thinking what it would be like to live in a world where you have a woman for say every two men. Suddenly I realized that I already have lived in such a world – 4 years at IIT Bombay and 2 years at IIM Bangalore! In fact it was much worse than that, in IITB it was around 20:1 and in IIMB it was around 4:1. And I can confidently vouch for several of my male fellow students that it was definitely not a pleasant state of affairs. So here is the key ironical, ridiculuous and yet sensible argument which is prompting me to write such a long story – if for nothing else, equality of women should be granted to retain the supremacy! (And please, if there is so supremacy or perceived supremacy then there is no point in crying for equality and you can stop reading here).

One of my seniors at IIT Bombay after passing out told me, do not make a girl friend while at college. Please wait till you pass out and you will have the world at your feet. Now, I do not buy is argument completely but the rationale behind it is very relevant to this discussion. The kind of “bhaav” (attention/value) a girl gets at an IIT/IIM (hereby lovingly called IIX) is so highly over the board. This was acutely visible when it was 20:1 and less acutely visible when it was 4:1. But both the times, it was very much there. The power a half beautiful damsel can yield in favorable surroundings is remarkable. Her beauty sort of multiplies by a factor directly proportional to the male-female ratio! I would deliberately not cite examples to avoid getting blasted but surely you all have had you own share of experiences. But most certainly and without an iota of exaggeration, we need to shout for male equality in IIX’s!

To the best of my memory, any decent looking girl would already be committed or very seriously and sincerely be the arranged marriage kind of girl. And hence, there would be a vast male population deprived of any kind of romantic opportunities. It was not uncommon for a girl to have double digit suitors, talk about male supremacy! There always used to be large section of boys with minimal or zero interaction with any girl. Maybe it was out of the gender bias, inability or maybe it was just pure unwillingness. Whatever be the reason, the fact is that the time window was a small portion of their life. What if they faced such a scenario life long? Who would be paying the dowry in such a world and who will get burnt in the kitchen? (The editorial also mentioned that in some parts of India, men are paying a “bride price” for a wife.)

There was lovely movie “Matrubhoomi” on the same issue with a very strong social message. It portrays a population bias but retains the male supremacy of the present. I do not buy the latter part, but I strongly recommend you to watch it. Bottomline – be it physics, relationships or our world, equality is necessary for stability. The further you move, the stronger will be the force of nature moving you back to the equilibrium.

Unconditional Love

Does such a thing exist or is it just a figment of imagination of stupid romantics? Even more pertinent is whether such a thing exists in today's materialistic world? Before attempting an answer let us step back and look deeper into this concept - "unconditional love".

Love, probably we all know, so what does the additional qualifier - "unconditional" imply? Literally it means that love is not contingent on anything, it need not be reciprocated in an equal measure to breathe, flourish and survive. It has an independent existence.

On the other hand is a love based on expectations. As long as expectations are met and the loved one conforms to an expected behaviour, everything is smooth. Any deviations and the world is rocked.

Of course, not all expectations are unwarranted. Some of the behavioural attributes can be an integral part of who the person is. Like in marketing, there are some core values of a product which a customer would never compromise on (what is a laptop without a battery?!). Similarly in love, clearly there are certain core attributes which define a person. Any expectations derived from there is understandable. Like everybody loved Gandhiji, nobody expected him to resort to violence, such an expectations was warranted. But expecting him to oppose Jinnah publicly, probably not.

We can probably now see the issues which expectations can rake up. You do not accept a person for what s/he is, but for what you expect him/her to be. Even if we start with a perfect fit between these two, if there is no room for change (which is invariably going to take place), we run into problems.

Interestingly, even core values can change over time, after all nothing is permanent except change! So, in such a case, should our unconditional love try and understand this change or should it just disown the person? I do not know and I don't think there is a Yes/No answer to this.

I must pause here and put a disclaimer. I do not claim to know all about love and unconditional love. I am just trying to put forth my views hoping to get some more clarity. Hoping to know if this concept is existent? Dream? Practical? Stupid? Logical? Insane?

Anyway, let us assume for a minute (or a few minutes!) that such a thing ideed exists. Clearly, it is going to be extremely rare in today's world. Let me try and prove it to you how utterly stupid and hopeless it is to love someone unconditionally. Let me play the Devil's advocate!

Let us say that 1 in about 100 "love feeling" a person has is unconditional. Probability that Mr. A is experiencing unconditional love is then 0.01. So probability that both Mr. A and Miss B are experiencing the same becomes 0.0001 or 1 in 10000. But wait, is it mutual also? What if Mr. A loves Miss B but Miss B loves Mr. C and all that (which is so common!)? So the utopian situation of of Mr. A and Miss B loving each other unconditionally is very very highly improbable. You are foolish and impractical if you let yourself fall in that hope trap!

But, can you chain your heart with the strength of your mind? What if you are indeed stupid?! What if you fall in love and cannot help it? What do you do then? I am not sure. But I believe in what they say - "Its better to have loved and lost it all, than to have never loved at all!" Maybe I am stupid as well to believe in it!

Somebody told me, it is so bad when unconditional love is not valued. It hurts. It hurts all the more when it is not even acknowledged (and that does happen often!). I hope it were the case that such a feeling, if not reciprocated, was at least acknowledged and if possible, valued. The person should realize that he is 1 in 10000 lucky! If valued, then does it not hurt? Of course it does, but it hurts less.

But, but, but, the few minutes I had requested are over and we come back to square one, to the basic question. I can acknowledge and value and all that, but before that I need to know if such a thing exists or is it just a figment of imagination of the romantics! Do I wan to end up valuing something which is non-existent?! I leave it open in front of you all – Do you believe in "unconditional love"?

- ANAND GAUTAM

What they don’t teach you at IIT’s and IIM’s

Undoubtedly there are two sets of learnings you gather at the IIX’s (!) – the superset is all you learn and a relatively smaller subset of that is what is officially taught via the curriculum. Not that the latter is not important, it certainly is, but we must acknowledge the broader perspective as well. What I would like to talk about is this superset minus subset area, i.e. the informal learnings at the IIX’s.

First thing you develop is confidence – in yourself, in your capabilities. Just being a part of such an esteemed organization helps you believe in yourself, it boosts your morale. What you should avoid here is over-confidence and rigidity. Simultaneously, what you also learn, and which is probably more important, is humility. You interact with so many brilliant people from all corners of the country and you are invariably humbled. It is such a marvelous opportunity to learn from them, and it is difficult to do so effectively without a fair bit of humility. What you should avoid here is getting awed by people around and losing your self-confidence. Much of the time you spend at college, you need to balance these two things – confidence and humility. The better you manage it, the more you learn and the more you succeed.

Another very important thing which you develop – not immediately, it happens over the years – is a broader perspective. In IIT’s, you get exposed to the world outside, probably for the first time. You get out of the books and see the world outside. A lot of learning comes from your seniors, some from batch mates and some from alumni as well. You have four or five years to explore things. The IIM’s take this perspective one level higher. You learn about the world in a greater depth, but specifically you get an exposure to the corporate world, the businesses and the various opportunities in store for you. Even if you are very clear about what you want to do in life – which is hardly the case – it helps you a lot. More often than not, you are not clear, and then it becomes priceless.

Another learning which probably can never be over-emphasized is time management. It is so so very important in life, and not just professionally, but in each and every aspect of it. Personally, I was always stretched at IIT, trying to balance my priorities towards academics, friends, sports, dramatics, and several other things. At IIM, owing to a lot more workload, I was balancing priorities within academics a lot more than outside. Nevertheless, the learning was there at both the places, and equally important. There are always infinite ideas and a finite amount of time, life is always like an optimization problem. You need to figure out your objective function (and it varies from person to person), you need to figure out your variables and constraints!

Another aspect where I saw a sea change after 12^th, was in terms of the amount of team play you indulge in. Slowly, individual brilliance start taking back seat and team performance comes to the forefront. It is less in IIT’s and a lot more in IIM’s. Be it group work in academics, be it team sports, be it organizing a big cultural/technical fest, you cannot swim alone. And this is so pertinent from the point of view of your career. No matter what you do in life, your success would be defined by how good a team player you are. IIX’s give you an amazing opportunity to pick it up. They also provide you ample opportunities to hone your leadership qualities, which is essentially taking team work to a higher level.

These few years at college, you develop your personality, grow as a person, learn the importance of deadlines, learn to value time, become professional, learn to balance your personal and professional aspirations, find your dream! And the list can go on and on, but I guess I have elaborated the most important ones.

Can you not pick up these skills elsewhere? While working? Surely, you can. But the learning curve is so much steeper here. I guess to reach the same level professionally and personally, you save a couple of years easily! I would not be going overboard if I say that these few years which you spend at an IIX, have the maximum impact not only on your career but also on you as a person. So, put it in all the effort with all your heart. All the best!

- ANAND GAUTAM