Its 3:13 AM, I am a wee bit sleepy. But I have to stay up and write this so that I can forever remember this Christmas. I cannot sleep now, not tonight. Tonight is not the night to sleep. It is the night to rejoice. It is the night to mourn. Yes, it is the night to rejoice and mourn at the same time.
This Christmas, I almost felt like believing in the existence of Santa Claus. This Christmas I was offered a gift. To call it a gift would be an insult. This Christmas I was offered my life - fully alive, that is. I almost turned around, started searching the house for some red colour somewhere. There was none. I was asking myself, what did I do to deserve this? Didn't the stories say that Santa gives gifts to only those children who are good throughout the year? I haven't been good this year, not at all. Then how could he?
"Wait wait wait", I suddenly realized. Offering does not imply receiving, does it? And to my horror, I knew immediately that I could not accept the gift. Wait, we cannot call it a gift! I could not accept my life - fully alive, that is. All the happy Christmas red was replaced by black and white. Black and white of mourning. The price you pay for being "grey". I have never heard Santa punishing for not being good, he is too kind. So this cruel punishment was from a different origin, was it?
Have you ever faced something like this? Imagine something you have wanted all your life. You have dreamt of it during nights. You have dreamt of it even more during days. Something, which you will place above everything else if it were your last day on earth. And you are offered the same, to keep it safe, always with you, till your last day on earth. But you have to say no, you have to refuse, because you are not strong enough to carry its weight. You are happy, that you were good enough to be offered, but sad at the same time, that you were not good enough to have the courage to accept. No other humility lesson can beat this, trust me!
There are tears in my eyes, some are of happiness, others are of sorrow. How do I distinguish one from another? I have no way to count them, to tell which of them are more and which are less. But somehow I have a feeling that the ones of happiness are drowning in the rest.
Today I am extremely happy, my joy knows no bounds. I was offered my life - fully alive, that is.
Today I am crying terribly, my sorrow is infinite. I refused my life - fully alive, that is.
- ANAND GAUTAM
26th December 2009
This Christmas, I almost felt like believing in the existence of Santa Claus. This Christmas I was offered a gift. To call it a gift would be an insult. This Christmas I was offered my life - fully alive, that is. I almost turned around, started searching the house for some red colour somewhere. There was none. I was asking myself, what did I do to deserve this? Didn't the stories say that Santa gives gifts to only those children who are good throughout the year? I haven't been good this year, not at all. Then how could he?
"Wait wait wait", I suddenly realized. Offering does not imply receiving, does it? And to my horror, I knew immediately that I could not accept the gift. Wait, we cannot call it a gift! I could not accept my life - fully alive, that is. All the happy Christmas red was replaced by black and white. Black and white of mourning. The price you pay for being "grey". I have never heard Santa punishing for not being good, he is too kind. So this cruel punishment was from a different origin, was it?
Have you ever faced something like this? Imagine something you have wanted all your life. You have dreamt of it during nights. You have dreamt of it even more during days. Something, which you will place above everything else if it were your last day on earth. And you are offered the same, to keep it safe, always with you, till your last day on earth. But you have to say no, you have to refuse, because you are not strong enough to carry its weight. You are happy, that you were good enough to be offered, but sad at the same time, that you were not good enough to have the courage to accept. No other humility lesson can beat this, trust me!
There are tears in my eyes, some are of happiness, others are of sorrow. How do I distinguish one from another? I have no way to count them, to tell which of them are more and which are less. But somehow I have a feeling that the ones of happiness are drowning in the rest.
Today I am extremely happy, my joy knows no bounds. I was offered my life - fully alive, that is.
Today I am crying terribly, my sorrow is infinite. I refused my life - fully alive, that is.
- ANAND GAUTAM
26th December 2009
4 comments:
the name was missing...... but surely i will call you for that....
Speechless.
something like this is also in the Bible. "What I am is a gift from God, what I will be is my gift to God. "
Read any religious book, all of them says the similar things. " Life can be understood by sufferings. And human being should trust the supreme source of faith i.e. God" Question is at the time of suffering, "Can we feel the presence of God and follow his advice i.e. also self-suggestion? "
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