Everything and yet Nothing

Its 3:13 AM, I am a wee bit sleepy. But I have to stay up and write this so that I can forever remember this Christmas. I cannot sleep now, not tonight. Tonight is not the night to sleep. It is the night to rejoice. It is the night to mourn. Yes, it is the night to rejoice and mourn at the same time.

This Christmas, I almost felt like believing in the existence of Santa Claus. This Christmas I was offered a gift. To call it a gift would be an insult. This Christmas I was offered my life - fully alive, that is. I almost turned around, started searching the house for some red colour somewhere. There was none. I was asking myself, what did I do to deserve this? Didn't the stories say that Santa gives gifts to only those children who are good throughout the year? I haven't been good this year, not at all. Then how could he?

"Wait wait wait", I suddenly realized. Offering does not imply receiving, does it? And to my horror, I knew immediately that I could not accept the gift. Wait, we cannot call it a gift! I could not accept my life - fully alive, that is. All the happy Christmas red was replaced by black and white. Black and white of mourning. The price you pay for being "grey". I have never heard Santa punishing for not being good, he is too kind. So this cruel punishment was from a different origin, was it?

Have you ever faced something like this? Imagine something you have wanted all your life. You have dreamt of it during nights. You have dreamt of it even more during days. Something, which you will place above everything else if it were your last day on earth. And you are offered the same, to keep it safe, always with you, till your last day on earth. But you have to say no, you have to refuse, because you are not strong enough to carry its weight. You are happy, that you were good enough to be offered, but sad at the same time, that you were not good enough to have the courage to accept. No other humility lesson can beat this, trust me!

There are tears in my eyes, some are of happiness, others are of sorrow. How do I distinguish one from another? I have no way to count them, to tell which of them are more and which are less. But somehow I have a feeling that the ones of happiness are drowning in the rest.

Today I am extremely happy, my joy knows no bounds. I was offered my life - fully alive, that is.
Today I am crying terribly, my sorrow is infinite. I refused my life - fully alive, that is.

- ANAND GAUTAM
26th December 2009

चाँद और तारे

This is a poem written in response to another poem in Apr'09. So I strongly urge you read the seed poem before reading mine.

The seed poem was written by one of my dearest friends Smriti Khullar and she has been kind enough to upload the same on her blog, here is the link --> http://rythmsandthoughts.blogspot.com/2009/12/oo.html

I typically don't put up my poems on my blog, but this is an exception, thanks to Smriti :)

अमावस की एक काली रात में, तुमने जाना तारे क्या होते हैं,

और हर छलके मोती में, तुम संग जाने कितने रोते हैं.

तुमने दिल की बात कही, हमने सुनी और समझ गए,

पर अपनी बात कैसे करें बयान, हम तारे थोड़ा उलझ गए.

सो कलम तो उठाई, पर फूँक फूँक कर चलता हूँ,

क्योंकि कसम से तुम्हारे इस चाँद से बहुत जलता हूँ.

चुरायी हुई रोशनी लेकर, अँधेरे में तुम्हें रिझाता है,

आई कहाँ से इतनी रौनक, कभी नहीं बतलाता है.

कुछ दिन खूब हँसाता है, साथ निभाता है,

फिर एक दिन ये चंचल मन, छू मंतर हो जाता है.

तब आती है एक काली अकेली अँधेरी रात,

जब आसमान में केवल हम तारों का होता है साथ.

उस रात छत पर अकेली तुम गुमसुम गुमसुम सी होती हो,

और कभी कभी हमारे साथ मिल-बाँटकर थोड़ा सा रोती हो.

पर फिर आ जाता है एक नया चाँद, अपनी रोशनी बिखेर के,

और फिर खो जाती हो तुम उसकी चाँदनी में, हमसे मुँह फेर के.

तो आज तुम्हें बताते हैं की इतनी रोशनी चाँद कहाँ से लाता है,

रात के अँधेरे में, तुमसे नज़रें बचाकर, हमसे ही तो वो चुराता है.

तुम पूछती हो, सब जानकार भी चाँद की ये चोरी क्यों चलती रही?

क्योंकि हम तारों की आँखों के तारे को, रात में भी रोशनी जो मिलती रही!

तुम पूछती हो, फिर आज ये सब मैं तुम्हें क्यों बतलाता हूँ?

क्योंकि हर महीने तुम्हारी आँखें नम, मैं देख नहीं पाता हूँ!

चाहता हूँ उड़ो आसमान में, तारों को करीब से आकर देखो,

कभी तो......, कभी तो एक तारे को, अपना चाँद बनाकर देखो!

- आनंद गौतम

8th April 2009

There was yet another response to this, which was written by another dear friend Kartik. Here is the link --> http://bloggerkartik.blogspot.com/2009/12/another-poetic-response.html

Plus 100 or minus 400?

My sister and I got into a taxi from Dadar station on 28^th November around 11 PM. Apart from the taxi driver (TD1), another guy (TD2) sat on the front seat, to which we didn not pay much attention then. Here is a quick account of what followed:

TD1 : “Sir, can you please give change of 1000. I need to pay 500 bucks to some random guy here”.

Me: “I don’t trust 1000 notes, sorry.”

TD2: “We will get you change later on, don’t worry. Please give us change now”

Me: “In that case, take this 500 note and return me later.”

TD1: “No sir, give me two 500 notes, I will return you later.”

Me: “How does it matter, I trust you, you can give me my 500 back later.”

TD1: “Sir this 500 note is torn, this won’t work”

Me: “Ok, take this one.”

TD1: “You have given me 100 note, I needed 500.”

Me: “How is it possible? I gave you 500!”

TD1: “No Sir, see this, you gave me 100 instead of 500.”

Luckily for me, I had settled some transactions just about an hour back so I knew for sure that I had two 500 notes in my wallet. I thought through again and figured that there is something wrong here.

Me: “Sir, I have you 500 note. You replaced it with a 100 note.”

TD1, taken completely aback: “What are you saying Sir, you gave me 100, I showed you also!”

Me: “Its your bad luck, I know for sure that I had two 500 notes, you have swapped the notes.”

TD2: “No Sir, you gave 100 only, you are mistaken.”

Me: “No problem, lets go to a police station, we will figure it out there.”

After 4-5 minutes of fighting, turning taxi around, and me not giving up on my stand, the guys came up with a bright idea.

TD2: “Sir, please search your wallet again. The note might be there. Or it might have fallen down.”

Me: “Fine, stop the car near the street lamp, I will check.”

Promptly the car was stopped, and there it was, lying by the side of my feet, my precious 500 note. I was so embarrassed.

TD2: “What Sir, you would have sent us to jail. You have no trust. What do you think we are thieves?”

Me: “I am sorry! My mistake.”

TD1: “No, what mistake! You are careless and then you blame us.

Me: “I am really sorry. But such stories are very common, many people get cheated in Mumbai like this. Its not your fault, my mistake, sorry.”

TD2: “There are terrorists in Mumbai also, does that mean I am terrorist too?” We will not take you anywhere. Please take another taxi.”

My sister: “We are very sorry. We will go with you only. Please take us.”

TD2: “No way, halfway through you will frame us for murder!!”

I was sensing something wrong here and anyway got fed up of the guys incessant ranting, so I just got out of the taxi, banged the door and we shifted to another taxi. There were two policemen also standing right there.

Just as we left from there, I realized my stupidity. The thing was that my wallet did not have any 100 note for sure. So there was no way I could have had two 500 notes and a 100 note in my wallet (which was the case right now)!

The TD1 guy had swapped my 500 note for a 100 note. But when I threatened of police and all, they got frightened. The TD2 guy had slipped a 500 note in the dark near my feet (Mumbai yellow taxi, there is gap between the front seat and side of the car). So basically I got both by 500’s back besides the 100 note extra which the TD1 guy had swapped. Net net, I got 100 bucks instead of losing 400!

Afterthoughts:

- Explains why two people were sitting, more the people, more strong is your argument. Plus, damage control (like in my case) is easy.

- Explains the insistence on asking two 500 notes, its very difficult to pull off the same trick when asking only for one 500 note

- Explains the torn note. TD1 tore it so that he can ask for another one. They were desperate to make their 400 bucks.

- Explains why they refused to take me. They were scared, plus they might have thought that I will figure the whole thing out soon.

- I wish I been a little smarter and figured this earlier, at least I would have left on a “you bast***” note rather than “Sorry” note!

- I wish I had gone back and talked to the two policemen standing there and told them everything. Not sure how much that would have helped. At least it would have helped address the point above J