Unconditional Love

Does such a thing exist or is it just a figment of imagination of stupid romantics? Even more pertinent is whether such a thing exists in today's materialistic world? Before attempting an answer let us step back and look deeper into this concept - "unconditional love".

Love, probably we all know, so what does the additional qualifier - "unconditional" imply? Literally it means that love is not contingent on anything, it need not be reciprocated in an equal measure to breathe, flourish and survive. It has an independent existence.

On the other hand is a love based on expectations. As long as expectations are met and the loved one conforms to an expected behaviour, everything is smooth. Any deviations and the world is rocked.

Of course, not all expectations are unwarranted. Some of the behavioural attributes can be an integral part of who the person is. Like in marketing, there are some core values of a product which a customer would never compromise on (what is a laptop without a battery?!). Similarly in love, clearly there are certain core attributes which define a person. Any expectations derived from there is understandable. Like everybody loved Gandhiji, nobody expected him to resort to violence, such an expectations was warranted. But expecting him to oppose Jinnah publicly, probably not.

We can probably now see the issues which expectations can rake up. You do not accept a person for what s/he is, but for what you expect him/her to be. Even if we start with a perfect fit between these two, if there is no room for change (which is invariably going to take place), we run into problems.

Interestingly, even core values can change over time, after all nothing is permanent except change! So, in such a case, should our unconditional love try and understand this change or should it just disown the person? I do not know and I don't think there is a Yes/No answer to this.

I must pause here and put a disclaimer. I do not claim to know all about love and unconditional love. I am just trying to put forth my views hoping to get some more clarity. Hoping to know if this concept is existent? Dream? Practical? Stupid? Logical? Insane?

Anyway, let us assume for a minute (or a few minutes!) that such a thing ideed exists. Clearly, it is going to be extremely rare in today's world. Let me try and prove it to you how utterly stupid and hopeless it is to love someone unconditionally. Let me play the Devil's advocate!

Let us say that 1 in about 100 "love feeling" a person has is unconditional. Probability that Mr. A is experiencing unconditional love is then 0.01. So probability that both Mr. A and Miss B are experiencing the same becomes 0.0001 or 1 in 10000. But wait, is it mutual also? What if Mr. A loves Miss B but Miss B loves Mr. C and all that (which is so common!)? So the utopian situation of of Mr. A and Miss B loving each other unconditionally is very very highly improbable. You are foolish and impractical if you let yourself fall in that hope trap!

But, can you chain your heart with the strength of your mind? What if you are indeed stupid?! What if you fall in love and cannot help it? What do you do then? I am not sure. But I believe in what they say - "Its better to have loved and lost it all, than to have never loved at all!" Maybe I am stupid as well to believe in it!

Somebody told me, it is so bad when unconditional love is not valued. It hurts. It hurts all the more when it is not even acknowledged (and that does happen often!). I hope it were the case that such a feeling, if not reciprocated, was at least acknowledged and if possible, valued. The person should realize that he is 1 in 10000 lucky! If valued, then does it not hurt? Of course it does, but it hurts less.

But, but, but, the few minutes I had requested are over and we come back to square one, to the basic question. I can acknowledge and value and all that, but before that I need to know if such a thing exists or is it just a figment of imagination of the romantics! Do I wan to end up valuing something which is non-existent?! I leave it open in front of you all – Do you believe in "unconditional love"?

- ANAND GAUTAM

What they don’t teach you at IIT’s and IIM’s

Undoubtedly there are two sets of learnings you gather at the IIX’s (!) – the superset is all you learn and a relatively smaller subset of that is what is officially taught via the curriculum. Not that the latter is not important, it certainly is, but we must acknowledge the broader perspective as well. What I would like to talk about is this superset minus subset area, i.e. the informal learnings at the IIX’s.

First thing you develop is confidence – in yourself, in your capabilities. Just being a part of such an esteemed organization helps you believe in yourself, it boosts your morale. What you should avoid here is over-confidence and rigidity. Simultaneously, what you also learn, and which is probably more important, is humility. You interact with so many brilliant people from all corners of the country and you are invariably humbled. It is such a marvelous opportunity to learn from them, and it is difficult to do so effectively without a fair bit of humility. What you should avoid here is getting awed by people around and losing your self-confidence. Much of the time you spend at college, you need to balance these two things – confidence and humility. The better you manage it, the more you learn and the more you succeed.

Another very important thing which you develop – not immediately, it happens over the years – is a broader perspective. In IIT’s, you get exposed to the world outside, probably for the first time. You get out of the books and see the world outside. A lot of learning comes from your seniors, some from batch mates and some from alumni as well. You have four or five years to explore things. The IIM’s take this perspective one level higher. You learn about the world in a greater depth, but specifically you get an exposure to the corporate world, the businesses and the various opportunities in store for you. Even if you are very clear about what you want to do in life – which is hardly the case – it helps you a lot. More often than not, you are not clear, and then it becomes priceless.

Another learning which probably can never be over-emphasized is time management. It is so so very important in life, and not just professionally, but in each and every aspect of it. Personally, I was always stretched at IIT, trying to balance my priorities towards academics, friends, sports, dramatics, and several other things. At IIM, owing to a lot more workload, I was balancing priorities within academics a lot more than outside. Nevertheless, the learning was there at both the places, and equally important. There are always infinite ideas and a finite amount of time, life is always like an optimization problem. You need to figure out your objective function (and it varies from person to person), you need to figure out your variables and constraints!

Another aspect where I saw a sea change after 12^th, was in terms of the amount of team play you indulge in. Slowly, individual brilliance start taking back seat and team performance comes to the forefront. It is less in IIT’s and a lot more in IIM’s. Be it group work in academics, be it team sports, be it organizing a big cultural/technical fest, you cannot swim alone. And this is so pertinent from the point of view of your career. No matter what you do in life, your success would be defined by how good a team player you are. IIX’s give you an amazing opportunity to pick it up. They also provide you ample opportunities to hone your leadership qualities, which is essentially taking team work to a higher level.

These few years at college, you develop your personality, grow as a person, learn the importance of deadlines, learn to value time, become professional, learn to balance your personal and professional aspirations, find your dream! And the list can go on and on, but I guess I have elaborated the most important ones.

Can you not pick up these skills elsewhere? While working? Surely, you can. But the learning curve is so much steeper here. I guess to reach the same level professionally and personally, you save a couple of years easily! I would not be going overboard if I say that these few years which you spend at an IIX, have the maximum impact not only on your career but also on you as a person. So, put it in all the effort with all your heart. All the best!

- ANAND GAUTAM